I Got No Game!

There’s this girl I’ve been crushing on a bit, or maybe “re-crushing” since we dated years ago, but anyway. I just found out she’s recently started seeing someone and sadly I’m rather happy about that. I should explain.

I am not good at talking to women. I know that’s one of the lamest clichés ever but it’s true. I’m 31 now and I’m much better than 10 years ago but still…I’m not sure if that makes it better or worse. It just comes down to the fact that if there’s any chance she and I could end up together, I become the biggest goober. This is contrasted with how I talk to women I have 0% chance with, like if they are married or have already turned me down/friendzoned me. There’s this girl at work who’s gorgeous and completely my type but she’s happily married with two kids. She’s kind of my “work best friend”, like a “work wife” but that’s not our dynamic. I’m convinced the only reason she and I are close is because she’s unavailable and there’s no realistic scenario that we would ever end up together. Which is a good thing. If she were available I would miss out on our friendship.

The same is true with one of my best friend’s wife, Crissy. I’ve been working with her on songs for a live video session we’re doing, so I’ve seen her a bunch lately. Even though we’ve been friends a long time, since even before they were married, in fact I introduced them, it was weird to see the guy I become around her. After the 3^rd or 4^th time in one sitting that I made her laugh so hard, she literally couldn’t breathe, it hit me. Why can’t I be that guy around available girls? She’s on a very short list of women who actually know me. Like really know me. I like that “me”. He’s fun and happy and fearless.

I was hung up on a girl for years that had no interest in me and I kept saying to myself “Well, if she really knew me, she’d like me”, which is probably true. That’s no one’s fault but my own, though. I have a very strong personality and she does as well but mine’s slightly more passive so she could manipulate and control me and the situation more. Which made it tough but I was only more passive because my inability to be myself around her. I think she’d be more attracted to the strong willed, deliberate side of me, that she’s never seen. I can’t even imagine how far off her description of me would be and she’s a psychology major about to graduate.

There’s this younger girl (like 21 or 22 years old) that I’ve been flirting a lot with lately and she’s made it obvious that if anything happened, it would definitely be casual. There’s no long term future for her and I. We’ve been chatting online and via text and it’s great. We joke a lot and she’s way fun but I ran into her unexpectedly the other day and for the whole 3 minutes our paths crossed I was a blubbering idiot. I kept trying to be interesting and charming and it came off as trying too hard and rather stupid.

Even girls whose friendzone I’m in can have that affect on me. Like my friend Naarah. She and I have been friends a long time and even though there may have been almost happenings here and there over the years, I’m really not her type and we want different things so we are friends only. We’ll have movie nights and periodically go to dinner alone but she’s super gorgeous and we’re both single so my mind functions under “never say never”. The only time I can be myself around her is when I constantly remind myself that it’s not going to happen.

OK, that’s way too many examples and I have dozens more from this past year alone. But I digress. I know everyone will have some advice and tips and I welcome them but it’s such a strange thing to me. It’s not really a lack a confidence, as most of my friends will attest. If anything, I’ve over confident about most thing in my life. And it’s not like my mind is preoccupied with any specific thoughts. In the moment, it’s like my mind just goes blank then I worry about coming off as too quiet or boring so I say the stupidest things ever or my timing is off and quite often my teasing jokes come off as mean and insensitive. I hate the guy I become. Not only am I annoyed that it’s not me but I become a bit of an asshole. This is one of my biggest deterrents from dating. I’m 31 now. I thought I’d eventually grow out of it but it seems there’s no end in sight. I just want to find a girl who’s attractive and available that I’m comfortable around. Who knew it would be this hard.

Anyway, as sad as I am that my crush is seeing someone, I’m glad. I really like her and I want her to get to know the real me, a feat only possible if dating her is completely off the table, apparently.  Oh well, maybe it’s not meant to be. I dislike dating anyway. I just want a wife. Or a long term girlfriend. I want a partner in this battle we call life. I want a female best friend. I want someone to go to movies with and to sing with. And to sing to. I want someone who laughs at inappropriate times and who’ll cry with me during good movies. I want someone I can spoil and worship and will do the same for me. I know I’m super picky and far from a great catch but I’m not going to settle when it comes to my dreams and career so why would I settle on my one true love and eternal companion? I’m a hopeless romantic and proud of it. 

P.S. Love this meme. Except I would change playing "video games" to playing "guitar". :)