I Got No Game!

There’s this girl I’ve been crushing on a bit, or maybe “re-crushing” since we dated years ago, but anyway. I just found out she’s recently started seeing someone and sadly I’m rather happy about that. I should explain.

I am not good at talking to women. I know that’s one of the lamest clichés ever but it’s true. I’m 31 now and I’m much better than 10 years ago but still…I’m not sure if that makes it better or worse. It just comes down to the fact that if there’s any chance she and I could end up together, I become the biggest goober. This is contrasted with how I talk to women I have 0% chance with, like if they are married or have already turned me down/friendzoned me. There’s this girl at work who’s gorgeous and completely my type but she’s happily married with two kids. She’s kind of my “work best friend”, like a “work wife” but that’s not our dynamic. I’m convinced the only reason she and I are close is because she’s unavailable and there’s no realistic scenario that we would ever end up together. Which is a good thing. If she were available I would miss out on our friendship.

The same is true with one of my best friend’s wife, Crissy. I’ve been working with her on songs for a live video session we’re doing, so I’ve seen her a bunch lately. Even though we’ve been friends a long time, since even before they were married, in fact I introduced them, it was weird to see the guy I become around her. After the 3^rd or 4^th time in one sitting that I made her laugh so hard, she literally couldn’t breathe, it hit me. Why can’t I be that guy around available girls? She’s on a very short list of women who actually know me. Like really know me. I like that “me”. He’s fun and happy and fearless.

I was hung up on a girl for years that had no interest in me and I kept saying to myself “Well, if she really knew me, she’d like me”, which is probably true. That’s no one’s fault but my own, though. I have a very strong personality and she does as well but mine’s slightly more passive so she could manipulate and control me and the situation more. Which made it tough but I was only more passive because my inability to be myself around her. I think she’d be more attracted to the strong willed, deliberate side of me, that she’s never seen. I can’t even imagine how far off her description of me would be and she’s a psychology major about to graduate.

There’s this younger girl (like 21 or 22 years old) that I’ve been flirting a lot with lately and she’s made it obvious that if anything happened, it would definitely be casual. There’s no long term future for her and I. We’ve been chatting online and via text and it’s great. We joke a lot and she’s way fun but I ran into her unexpectedly the other day and for the whole 3 minutes our paths crossed I was a blubbering idiot. I kept trying to be interesting and charming and it came off as trying too hard and rather stupid.

Even girls whose friendzone I’m in can have that affect on me. Like my friend Naarah. She and I have been friends a long time and even though there may have been almost happenings here and there over the years, I’m really not her type and we want different things so we are friends only. We’ll have movie nights and periodically go to dinner alone but she’s super gorgeous and we’re both single so my mind functions under “never say never”. The only time I can be myself around her is when I constantly remind myself that it’s not going to happen.

OK, that’s way too many examples and I have dozens more from this past year alone. But I digress. I know everyone will have some advice and tips and I welcome them but it’s such a strange thing to me. It’s not really a lack a confidence, as most of my friends will attest. If anything, I’ve over confident about most thing in my life. And it’s not like my mind is preoccupied with any specific thoughts. In the moment, it’s like my mind just goes blank then I worry about coming off as too quiet or boring so I say the stupidest things ever or my timing is off and quite often my teasing jokes come off as mean and insensitive. I hate the guy I become. Not only am I annoyed that it’s not me but I become a bit of an asshole. This is one of my biggest deterrents from dating. I’m 31 now. I thought I’d eventually grow out of it but it seems there’s no end in sight. I just want to find a girl who’s attractive and available that I’m comfortable around. Who knew it would be this hard.

Anyway, as sad as I am that my crush is seeing someone, I’m glad. I really like her and I want her to get to know the real me, a feat only possible if dating her is completely off the table, apparently.  Oh well, maybe it’s not meant to be. I dislike dating anyway. I just want a wife. Or a long term girlfriend. I want a partner in this battle we call life. I want a female best friend. I want someone to go to movies with and to sing with. And to sing to. I want someone who laughs at inappropriate times and who’ll cry with me during good movies. I want someone I can spoil and worship and will do the same for me. I know I’m super picky and far from a great catch but I’m not going to settle when it comes to my dreams and career so why would I settle on my one true love and eternal companion? I’m a hopeless romantic and proud of it. 

P.S. Love this meme. Except I would change playing "video games" to playing "guitar". :)

Film Critique: "Thanks for Sharing"

Although the trailer for this film looked so good that I ended up buying it on bluray before having watched it, I really didn’t expect it be as good as it was.

Thanks for Sharing

As this is my first (of many) film critiques, I should mention the spoiler alert. Please do not continue reading if you have not seen the film and would not like for it to be spoiled. This is not an ad style critique designed to get you to see or not to see the movie but just a discussion of my thoughts and experience with it.

Now, on to Thanks For Sharing. The all star cast was a big motivator for me to want to see it. Mark Ruffalo, Gwyneth Paltrow, Tim Robbins, Joely Richardson, and Patrick Fugit never disappoint but also Josh Gad. He’s becoming one of my favorites. He does such a great job with the roles he’s played, big or small; 21, Jobs, Love and Other Drugs, and even The Rocker. I’m really liking this guy. Even Pink kind of nailed it in this film. I don’t mean to sound so surprised, it’s just that pop music stars tend to be hit and miss when they crossover to film. Justin Timberlake is the best example of someone whose music I can’t really stand but has turned into an amazing actor. I’m to the point that I’m genuinely excited to see his name on cast lists but sadly most of these pop stars end up crap actors. Pink, I’m happy to report, definitely nailed it. Her part in this film was natural, believable, likeable, and generally impressive.

Those of you who my taste in movies, will know the most important element that can make or break a film for me is themes. I love all aspects of filmmaking: writing, directing, casting, actors performances, character development, etc. But the top element I think should be considered is the theme. Thanks for Sharing had most of my favorite themes: sacrifice, father/son relationships, love, determination, and change. I wasn’t sure how much of the film I would connect to since it’s based on characters in addiction recovery. I used to think I had an addictive personality so I avoided alcohol, drugs, tattoos, etc. but speaking to friends who have real, life altering addictions, I realize my experience is nothing like theirs. I especially have never attended a recovery meeting like the characters in this film.

One of my favorite parts of this movie were little moments like on Adam and Phoebe’s first date when they established signs for when they were joking and when they were telling the truth. Watching their immediate connection inspired hope that I could have that someday, however improbable. It’s nice to honestly feel that hope, if only for a second. I think with the world’s current state of skepticism, filmmakers have to go so above and beyond to get the audience to feel that genuine hope. I don’t envy that, despite my hope and effort to become a filmmaker; or to become a professional singer/songwriter, for that matter. I also liked all the moments of Neil running around. Not because it’s fun to watch overweight people run but because I think it shows an interesting side of his character. Like the first time sees Dede outside of the meetings, the fact that he would run as far as he does, despite the shape he’s in, shows his commitment to helping others. This is immediately followed by their conversation about a supreme being and how it doesn’t have to be a beard guy in the sky. It could be as simple as serving others, anything that’s bigger than ourselves. Neil’s character growth was one of the most interesting story arcs in this movie.

Even though the writing (especially the dialogue), the performances, the set design, the themes, the story, the cinematography, etc. were all excellent, I do have to admit that the one element of this movie that took it from an ‘good, but only slightly above average’ movie was the soundtrack. The music in this film really impressed me. All the songs were so simplistic, yet perfect in their role in this film. As someone like Hans Zimmer would attest to, the best soundtracks are ones that are so subtle and perfectly written for their films are ones you don’t really conscious think about (unless you are a musician or someone that obsessed). Music role in film is to create mood and texture and to really support the story. If you “notice” the music without the filmmakers intent, generally that means it’s the wrong music for what you are watching. Thanks for Sharing’s soundtrack was so perfect. I found myself feeling things I didn’t expect to, especially to the subject matter in those scenes. I’ve never felt what it is like to attractive a woman as beautiful as Gwyneth Paltrow then to lose her. I don’t know what it’s like to be clear of an addiction for other 5 years then to succumb to the temptation. I don’t know what it’s like to go to school for 8+ years for my career then to lose it all in a most of no control. I don’t know what it’s like to have a dad who’s completely lost faith in me as a human, nor to be that dad. But because the soundtrack was so perfect, my experience watching this movie makes me feel like I could at least describe these things with some level of relatable clarity. Well done Christopher Lennertz. You were a welcome surprise. I also want to say Bravo to the rest of the cast and crew on this film. It was extremely well made and I highly recommend it.