Eulogy of My Mother

My mom died on Sunday, September 14, 2014 at 11:08 pm. This is my eulogy for her. I want to start off by saying this should not have happened. It’s not fair and I am in NO WAY ready for this.

The Medical

To give you a brief timeline of the events, it first started a few months ago. My mom is the strongest person I know but back in April she started having some serious muscle weakness in her legs. It had gotten bad enough that by the end of July she starting seeing a bunch of doctors and was hospitalized. She saw ‘a bunch’ of doctors because none of them could figure out what was causing the issue. She spent most of the time at St. Marks in South Salt Lake and at one point was transferred to a rehab facility, Health South in Sandy, when they thought they had figured in out and were ready for her to start getting better. They were looking at CIDP and a few other possibilities that could be causing the nerve damage that created the limb weakness. In the rehab facility, it had gotten worse so she went back to St. Marks and was eventually transferred to The University of Utah hospital. She has been surrounded by many talented and dedicated medical professionals this whole time but I want to make particular mention of the U of U hospital. Those people are some of the most caring, talented medical staff I could possibly imagine, especially Dr. Tina Burton. They were helpful and caring and worked so hard to figure out this unusual and difficult case even up until the end.

The end. It’s crazy how the end of a story can change how you re-examine every detail leading up to it. I say that because until that Sunday morning, I truly believed she was going to make it out of this. The week leading up to her death, the nerve damage had ascended into her lungs and she needed to be put on a respirator. They had figured out she had some sort of vasculitis but still could find what was the root cause. Also that week her kidneys shut down so she had to be on dialysis as well. She was awake and responding Thursday night (as well as you can with a tube down your throat) but Friday morning the nurses could not get her to respond. They quickly did a brain scan and found that she had a stroke during the night. 2 Strokes, actually. My dad called me that morning and asked if there was any way I could get out of work and head up to the hospital immediately. He then explained the events of the previous few days. At one point, he even said “I’m sorry to give you such crummy news over the phone” but it still had not occurred to me that she could die. She was too strong of a person. She could beat anything. I was more concerned how she was going to learn to live with the damage from the stroke than I was considering her possibility of passing. The one stroke was the common clot kind where a portion of the brain has a loss oxygen and hers was on the back left side which controls the right side of the body and language. She also had a bleeding stroke on the right side of her brain which prevented any of the usual treatments for strokes. They couldn’t treat either side because the treatment for one would worsen the other. We were basically just waiting and hoping her brain wouldn’t swell to a fatal level. Brains always swell after a stroke but stroke survivors’ brains don’t swell beyond that tipping point. By this time they had also narrowed down the instigating issue to a blood disease. It could be cancer but there are tons of blood diseases so we just had to wait for the results which were likely not to get back until Monday and that would only tell us what it is not solve the issues she’d been through.

Then comes Sunday morning. All day Friday and Saturday, it was just waiting; waiting for results, checking the periodic MRIs, etc. My dad’s call Sunday late morning was to let me know our options. The damage from the stroke was severe and she had to be on life support for multiple issues that had nothing to do with the stroke. So we could decide to take her off life support or they were willing to do another MRI but let us know, it would likely just confirmed our decision to let her go. This is the moment it all became real to me. Anger, depression, fear, sadness, grief, all sharing the same space in my heart, I collapsed to the ground, writhing in pain, sobbing uncontrollably. This was it. She was going to die.

We, of course, opted for the MRI. Much of my extended family met at the hospital at 7 pm to meet with the doctors and discuss the results of the last MRI. We all gathered in a room with a projector and the doctors showed us that the damaged part of the brain had increased. So not only is it likely she’d never speak again but the cognitive language part was not damaged and she could hear you speak and likely recognize your voice but would not be able to understand what you are saying. Any of you who know my mother knows that this would never be the kind of life she’d want to live. To forever be unable to express your thoughts and feelings would be unbearably frustrating. Plus, that minute chance of waking to an awful life is completely aside from all the other things trying to kill her. After the doctors explained everything and answered all our questions, they excused themselves and we then went around the room and each gave our opinion of what we should do. It was unanimous that we all believed she wouldn’t want to hang on like this and that her spirit has likely already left her body. My dad then invited each of us to say goodbye if we’d like and he told the doctor of our wishes. Her respiratory support and blood pressure medication were removed at 9:45 pm. A bunch of us decided to be present during this procedure and through the end. They brought in some chairs and we all sat around my mom, holding her hands, massaging her feet and telling her how much we love her in shouts and whispers. All our conversations revolved around loving and/or funny stories of mom, her life, and her character. There were sobbing tears, joyful tears, and even somber laughter as we shared this sacred moment with each other. She struggled to breathe as her heartbeat, blood pressure, and oxygen levels slowly dropped until past 11 pm. The last few minutes, her decline increased quickly and the last beat of her heart was at 11:08 pm.

My Eulogy

The second definition of eulogy is “high praise”. My mom was one of the greatest people I’ve ever met and she and I had a very special, unique connection…like everyone else. That was the thing with my mom. No matter what your relation to her was, she had an innate ability to make you feel special. When you needed her, you were the only person in her world and she would stop at nothing to solve your issue. Those who know me would all generally describe me as independent and I’ve always had pride in that but in reality, I am just a offshoot of her. From my father, I was given the tools for success (discipline, respect for hard work, etc.) but from my mom I learned strength, perseverance, and the importance of following your heart. I’m not an independent soaring eagle, I’m just a kite whose string has been cut.

My mom had a deep love for music. This was the foundation on which I have built my entire life. Though our definition of what constitutes as ‘good’ music may have varied, pursuit in a music filled life is something we shared deeply. When I was young and lived at home, I understand why it was difficult to get on board with my career aspirations but as I got older, wiser, and my songwriting style/tastes softened, she really came around to my dream/vision. One of the best memories of playing music was the first time I saw my mom singing along at a concert to one of my original songs. That’s always a grand moment looking out from the stage and watching an audience member sing your words but when I saw my mom do it, it was magical. Not only did she love that song (Beat) but in a single moment, it was like she confirmed her support of my work and proved that all the early opposition was due to her not wanting me to choose such a difficult path and had nothing to do with whether or not she believed in me and my talents.

In the last couple of years I’ve also dived head first into filmmaking. It was my mother who initial pushed for me to pursue that. She saw how passionate I was about film and specially music in film that many times she suggested I look into it. So when the opportunity to work with UnknownProphet Pictures presented itself, I already had the confidence to accept. She had such an amazing ability to inspire progress and self confidence.

My mom had what I call a “reward laugh” where her laugh was so endearing that pursuing it became the most worthy endeavor every time she was around. She had a unique but well developed sense of humor. Making her laugh was one of the most rewarding things I’ve ever done. I’m sad how little I got to visit her the last month of her life but I’m happy to say the last time I saw her conscious, I did make her chuckle.

Her love of evergreen (Christmas) trees is something she definitely passed down. I will forever think of her whenever I see evergreens. My birthday is in a month but I’m most worried how I’m going to get through Christmas this year. Christmas was my mom’s thing. Between the Festival of Trees and the dozens of family traditions during that time of year, I can’t imagine Christmas without her.

In those first moments of me accepting the news, the biggest tears were definitely shed about what the future holds. If I ever marry and have kids, they will have never known the greatest person in my life. I don’t believe you can really know me without having met my mom. She was such a huge part of my life. I also she many tears for the thousands of people she would have affected the lives of beyond my family. Her love had such a long, immeasurable reach. I am angry. This was too soon. Everyone seems to be relying on the adage that everything happens for a reason and it’s supposed to happen when it does but eff that. This was not supposed to happen. She had so much more life to live. I don’t think I’ve ever understand the why here.

To end on a lighter note, however, I am happy I got to witness such a sacred moment in my life and the life of my siblings. We’ve always been pretty close. I mean, we’ve been spread across the country physically but our reunions are always very dear.  There’s a line in an Avett Brothers song that kept coming to me the day my mom died. It’s called “Murder in the City” and it’s instructions to the family of these 2 brothers should the occasion arise of their death. It sounds gruesome but it’s actually very beautiful. The last verse is:

If I get murdered in the city

Go read the letter in my desk

Don't bother with all my belongings

Pay attention to the list

Make sure my sister knows I love her

Make sure my mother knows the same

Always remember there was nothing worth sharing

Like the love that let us share our name

Always remember there was nothing worth sharing

Like the love that let us share our name

Though the song is not directly about my situation, that phrase “Always remember there was nothing worth sharing like the love that let us share our name” has never made so much sense to me.

Not So Serendipitous

Those of you who know me personally or have read my past blogs know that this has been a rough year for me. Dropping my optimism for realism, dealing with the loss of hope, and struggling to lose weight (I’m down 12 lbs, btw, woo!) to name a few things. Part of the change I’ve come through is exchanging the hopelessness for a more realistic romanticism and in reality I may never find a woman who I can share my life with. That may sound depressing to some of you but really, I’ve accepted it and I’ve found ways to be happy beyond a serious relationship. These days I define myself by who I am not by who I’m with (or not with, as was usually the case). Though the catalyst was less than desirable, this change has been the most freeing in my life and it feels good to have some certainties guiding me. On the Jungian Personality spectrum, I’m an INTJ, The Scientist, so faith has never been a strong suit for me. I like proof, evidence, and reality.

Now, all that being said, I do still have to deal with loneliness. My life is so full. Full of music. Full of Film. Full of a long list of to-do items that I actually want to do. I love it. But I am human and humans need humans. I may not need a serious relationship or a wife or kids or anyone to call me ‘theirs’ but having zero physical contact with the opposite sex can be rough. Sometimes you just want to be held. When your emotions well up and you’re on the verge of crying, I usually lean into it and watch some romantic or human spirit movies and just let the dam break. After all, I am an All or None kind of person. Well, the other night I could feel this pang so I decided to fall asleep one of my favorite romantic movies, Serendipity. John Cusack and Jeremy Piven were perfect and this is the first movie that made me fall in love with Kate Beckinsale. I’ve seen it at least a dozen times and it’s been a favorite for years. I still remember the first time I saw it and the girl I saw it with. ;) Though, this time was odd. It was weird watching this kind of movie without my usual shroud of hopeless romance. It’s like when you see your favorite movies as a kid now and it hits you, all the things you didn’t understand about it. It’s usually either much better or much, much worse than you remember.

Serendipity is a beautiful story and very inspiring…that is, if you watch it with tunnel vision on the main characters. If this story happened in real life, the pain left in its wake would be devastating. This time watching it, I couldn’t help but feel the anguish of the people the main characters didn’t end up with. The fiancé played by the talented and beautiful Bridget Moynahan, John Corbitt’s character, the self-involved musician (funny that I related to him so much), and not to forget that the main characters were each in serious relationships when they met! The musician was an easier pill to swallow since he was so selfish and didn’t treat her with the respect she deserves, but Bridget’s character was a rough one to relate to. Let’s shift perspective and watch the story of her life. She’s smart. She’s beautiful. She meets this great guy and falls in love. They could have been dating for years and they move in together, committed, engaged, just madly in love. Then she gets dumped on her wedding day! ON HER WEDDING DAY! And really, the only thing she did wrong was she wasn’t “the one”. How effed up is that?

Years ago, a friend of mine was going through a divorce and she shared with me her reasons were all centered on that fact that she fell out of love with him. He didn’t beat her? He didn’t cheat on her? She just fell out of love with him? Wait, that can happen? My world shattered a bit that day. Yes, I was young and naive but that was a real bummer. My life up to that point was so focused on falling into love, I had no idea once I got there it could just magically disappear without warning. How could I ever trust just a fickle concept?

Well, needless to say I watched the whole movie then lied awake for a few hours feeling every ounce of loneliness life has to offer. Body pillows don’t do you any good when you are that in the thick of it. I finally dozed off around 6 am. On a weekday. FML.

Loss changes who we are

I’ve been thinking a lot about loss lately. It’s been on my mind at some level for years but it seems to be the prevalent theme of my 2014. Loss, in my opinion, is the hardest thing we have to deal with throughout our lives. Whether that’s loss of a loved one due to death or a breakup or life circumstances, or loss of a beloved pet, or a job, or a friend, or even faith and hope. There are many degrees of loss and it’s measured by amount of pain, physical and emotional, as well as intensity and how much affect it has on your life, short or long term. The unfair truth that has taken me many years to fully understand and accept is that loss changes you. The level of affect is dependent on what is lost, how it’s lost, and how integrated what you lost is in the life you’ve built. The shaking of your life’s foundation can leave anything from mild displacement to broken windows to structural damage all the way up to complete demolition.

My earliest memory of loss was when I was around 4 or 5 years old on a trip with my family. My favorite toy was this tiny motorcycle, anatomically somewhere between the small plastic size G.I. Joe (not the weird Barbie size) and Lego. Now, before write this loss off as petty or juvenile, do me a favor. Close your eyes and take a moment to think back to ages 4-10 and try to remember your absolute favorite toy in the whole world. Try to remember not only how much it meant to you but also why it meant that much. Well, for me that was a cheap toy motorcycle. I took that thing everywhere with me, which proved its fate, unfortunately.  Along this long drive, we stopped at a rest stop for a bathroom break and to stretch our legs, as you do. Somewhere between removing my winter coat in the stall and getting back in the Suburban, this little friend of mine had vacated my pocket and I had the misfortune of not discovery its absence until we were at least 10+ miles down the road. I pleaded with my whole soul for my dad turn the truck around and rescue my fallen comrade but it’s $2 value versus the price of gas and time warranted a unfavorable verdict. I had nothing left but to collapse to the floor in tears and suffer.

The long term affect of this seemingly insignificant loss was that I kept excellent track and care of every important toy I ever owned. I practically became OCD about it. Everything must have its place and if it’s not in the place I had designated it to go, it’s either be stolen or my memory has failed me. The latter has yet to happen. I look at my life now and realize it’s built on the strongest and most effective safe guards I could find. Of course, it’s not all because of that motorcycle. I’ve been cheated on. I’ve been dumped more times that I can even remember. I’ve been used. I’ve used others. I’ve had loved ones die or disappear. I’ve been betrayed. I’ve been abandoned. I’ve been mocked and humiliated. I’ve been disheartened. I’ve lost love. I’ve lost faith. I’ve lost the ability to trust. And I’ve lost hope. I don’t list these to complain or invoke pity.  I fully understand the majority of the world has had it much harder than me. This is just why I am who I am. I no longer date. I take excellent care of all my most important “stuff”; my guitars, my movie collection, my electronic devices and computers, my car, my new bed, etc. Everything in my world has a place; a home. I am tired of being hurt so I’ve removed myself from the line of fire and I’ve turned off the stove.

All the platitudes we hand out like gum when someone we care about experiences loss, “It’ll be ok”, “You’ll get better”, “Give it time”, etc. are nothing more than words. Loss changes us, changes who we are as people. What we as a society are generally too afraid to say is “I’m sorry. Yes, you’ll never be the same. You will have to rebuild your life, possibly from scratch. This rebuild will not come easy or quick.” and most importantly, “I’m here and I’m not going anyway. How can I help?”

Realism in King

Realism, I have recently discovered, is the only path to true happiness. Now before all you optimists and pessimists get all up in arms ready to tear down that statement, hear me out.  I know realism can be a cruel mistress and a hard pill to swallow but any kind of happy not based in reality is not true happiness. That’s all I’m saying.

I’ve recently had some overwhelming life experiences wherein I completely lost all hope. My entire life I’d been an optimist, always believing in dreams and looking at the positive in any situation, no matter how bad. Not really a bad way to live and maybe even necessary at times, but my life was completely inter-weaved with it so when I lost all hope, my life's foundation was left with so many holes that it almost all came crashing down. Not to get too personal but I’d never had such vivid suicidal thoughts and plans to exit this shitty roller coaster we call life. 2014 has, hands down, been the hardest year of my life and it’s only fucking April. Then again, maybe I should be grateful. That kind of pain and belief system shattering has lead me to a deeper understanding of what happiness really is. It seems only through the trials of life can we find the strength to experience happiness in its puristic form.

My best friend, now of almost 20 years, was always a pessimist growing up and me, the most naive of all optimists. At times we’ve deluded ourselves into thinking he and I were a pessimistic realist and an optimistic realist, respectively, but really those were just times we had healthy run ins with reality and tried to assess our reactions. After a while, it became nothing more than a punch line. Here’s one of our favorite memes:

A few months back I read this quote by William Ward that has become more or less my new mantra.

I still had lingering remnants of hope clouding my perspective though. Not that hope is a bad thing but when you use it to shade truths about your life, it can be disastrous. Like if you really believe that other races are inferior, just hoping you don’t come off that way to people is not going to make you not a racist. Only in facing and excepting harsh truths, especially about ourselves, can we start to change them.

Embracing the concept that truth can evolve is both super hard to accept as well as tremendously beautiful. For example, the fact that I am 100 pounds overweight is an undeniable truth but whether or not that stays a truth my whole life or not though is up to me. Is changing truth easy or quick? Hell no. It would take me almost a full year of very hard work and self discipline to change this truth but how is awesome is it that we as humans have this power.

Realism truly is the only way to feel real happiness. A dear friend of mine’s marriage is on the verge of collapse and he is frantically trying to save it because he truly loves her with his whole mind and soul but sadly the marriage was built on lies, manipulations, and mistrust. For years. This is one of the harshest truths I’ve ever seen and yes, I’m definitely a bit of an asshole to tell him that but what’s the alternative? Does is really show my loyalty and support to help him believe in the fantasy that she’ll stay and everything will work out? Nope. That’s just setting him up for a bigger fall when it’s officially called off. The only way their relationship could survive is for both of them to embrace the reality that it’s broken. It would take years of intense hard work and therapy to mend what’s left. Do I want them to stay together? Of course. I love each of them deeply and hate to see them go through such hard times but my hope won’t change their reality. Only they can do that and it won’t be easy and maybe not even worth it.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I understand fully the value of optimistic and pessimistic perspectives. I just know that in the end pessimists miss out on most of life’s wonderful experiences and optimists are constantly disappointed. That being said, these perspectives can be helpful and maybe even necessary depending on the stage of life you are in. I am a musician and I’m desperately trying to make a career in one of the hardest industries to make a career in. But when I first started and the many years before I could sing and play at a professional level, my optimism is what made me believe I could make it and kept me going. If I was a true realist at any point before the last couple years, I’d have likely giving up and pursued an easier or more “realistic” life path. Now, however, I have reached a point that it’s not my optimism that tells me I have talent as a singer songwriter, it’s my realism. My realism also tells me that I’m far from the most talented in this industry and that even some of the best never get a foothold and die trying. Because I’m no longer an optimist I don’t blindly believe I will for sure make it nor do I pessimistically believe I won’t. The reality is that I could make it and though I most likely won’t, music is too important to me to stop trying and my realism forces me to work even harder and find more opportunities that I would have without it because I know that the odds are stacked against me. Also, pessimism can protect you from being hurt too often or too deeply as is the case of this simple but honest and hopeful comic strip:

After you are hurt, it's pessimism that keeps you from giving your heart away so freely before you're ready. As long as you don't hold that perspective forever, just long enough to heal before it could get broken again. In all cases though, it’s important to at least eventually embrace reality and truth because without it all joy and happiness will be fleeting.

In my trek to embrace truth I’ve found that my tastes in life’s amenities is centered around realism as well. My favorite comedians are Louis CK, Christopher Titus, and George Carlin. The only type of music I can really respect is quite raw like with my latest obsession, Lake Street Dive. Even the movies and TV shows I gravitate toward these days are chuck for a realistic characters, like Silver Linings Playbook, Garden State, Good Will Hunting or ones with anti-heroes as the protagonist like Dexter, Breaking Bad, or Sons of Anarchy and I know I’m not alone is this because those shows all extremely popular.

I wouldn’t say I’m happy though, if you are wondering. My truths are mostly in the harsh category. I’m just glad to know that when I do feel happiness in the not too distant future, it will be real and lasting. I encourage you all to self assess your reality as I have done and come out all the better for it. Good luck everyone. Here’s one last fun poke of fun:

New Song - "Time to Go"

So I’ve been thinking a lot about moving lately. Out of state. Like a complete start over. I love Utah, Salt Lake City, especially and there’s nothing wrong with living here. I adore the mountains and the four seasons and almost everyone I know and love lives here but I feel like I’m in a rut that no minor change will lift me out of. My songwriting has been sparse. I’ve almost completely stopped dating or going out much at all. My motivation in all things is starting to lessen. I have some great friends here but I feel like all the friends I’d miss will continue to be my friends whether I live here or not. I just feel like it’s time to go.

Years ago I narrowed down the places I’d move to 5 cities, San Diego, Seattle, Denver, Austin, and New York City. San Diego because I lived there years ago and still have a few friends down there plus it’s only a couple hours from L.A. (but WAY better for living conditions). Seattle because it’s still a great music town and has been since the early 90’s plus I don’t mind rain and everything is so green and beautiful. Denver because it’s close to here and close to family plus the music scene there is starting to thrive. Austin is the live music capitol of the world and I’ve love to see what it could do for my music there. New York for the same reasons as San Diego but I’d like it more. I’ve always felt like more of an East Coast person. Interestingly enough though, Nashville has caught my eye in a very serious way recently. I used to think it was just for country music but have learned a lot about it over this past year. It’s just a music town. THE music town. It’s definitely pulling out in lead for my choice if I decide to move.

Anyway, all these thoughts and many others have inspired this new song. It’s called “Time to Go”. I’m very happy with the guitar hooks and chord structure and I love how the lyrics are a lot more conversational and less poem style.

Here are the lyrics:

TIME TO GO

Hey, how do you feel about change, girl?

‘Cause I feel lost and I need to get away

So, what you gonna say, girl?

Do you feel like you could just pick up and leave this place?

As I take one last look around

The only thing I can't live without, is you

You  know that I can’t stay

So I’m leaving here today, girl

Are you in or out, get past that doubt

And join me on my way

Hey, what you want to be, girl?

‘Cause you can be anything you want to be, with me

So, where you want to go, girl?

I say, Hey, let’s just get up and leave

As I take one last look around

The only thing I can't live without, is you

You  know that I can’t stay

So I’m leaving here today, girl

Are you in or out, get past that doubt

And join me on my way

I Got No Game!

There’s this girl I’ve been crushing on a bit, or maybe “re-crushing” since we dated years ago, but anyway. I just found out she’s recently started seeing someone and sadly I’m rather happy about that. I should explain.

I am not good at talking to women. I know that’s one of the lamest clichés ever but it’s true. I’m 31 now and I’m much better than 10 years ago but still…I’m not sure if that makes it better or worse. It just comes down to the fact that if there’s any chance she and I could end up together, I become the biggest goober. This is contrasted with how I talk to women I have 0% chance with, like if they are married or have already turned me down/friendzoned me. There’s this girl at work who’s gorgeous and completely my type but she’s happily married with two kids. She’s kind of my “work best friend”, like a “work wife” but that’s not our dynamic. I’m convinced the only reason she and I are close is because she’s unavailable and there’s no realistic scenario that we would ever end up together. Which is a good thing. If she were available I would miss out on our friendship.

The same is true with one of my best friend’s wife, Crissy. I’ve been working with her on songs for a live video session we’re doing, so I’ve seen her a bunch lately. Even though we’ve been friends a long time, since even before they were married, in fact I introduced them, it was weird to see the guy I become around her. After the 3^rd or 4^th time in one sitting that I made her laugh so hard, she literally couldn’t breathe, it hit me. Why can’t I be that guy around available girls? She’s on a very short list of women who actually know me. Like really know me. I like that “me”. He’s fun and happy and fearless.

I was hung up on a girl for years that had no interest in me and I kept saying to myself “Well, if she really knew me, she’d like me”, which is probably true. That’s no one’s fault but my own, though. I have a very strong personality and she does as well but mine’s slightly more passive so she could manipulate and control me and the situation more. Which made it tough but I was only more passive because my inability to be myself around her. I think she’d be more attracted to the strong willed, deliberate side of me, that she’s never seen. I can’t even imagine how far off her description of me would be and she’s a psychology major about to graduate.

There’s this younger girl (like 21 or 22 years old) that I’ve been flirting a lot with lately and she’s made it obvious that if anything happened, it would definitely be casual. There’s no long term future for her and I. We’ve been chatting online and via text and it’s great. We joke a lot and she’s way fun but I ran into her unexpectedly the other day and for the whole 3 minutes our paths crossed I was a blubbering idiot. I kept trying to be interesting and charming and it came off as trying too hard and rather stupid.

Even girls whose friendzone I’m in can have that affect on me. Like my friend Naarah. She and I have been friends a long time and even though there may have been almost happenings here and there over the years, I’m really not her type and we want different things so we are friends only. We’ll have movie nights and periodically go to dinner alone but she’s super gorgeous and we’re both single so my mind functions under “never say never”. The only time I can be myself around her is when I constantly remind myself that it’s not going to happen.

OK, that’s way too many examples and I have dozens more from this past year alone. But I digress. I know everyone will have some advice and tips and I welcome them but it’s such a strange thing to me. It’s not really a lack a confidence, as most of my friends will attest. If anything, I’ve over confident about most thing in my life. And it’s not like my mind is preoccupied with any specific thoughts. In the moment, it’s like my mind just goes blank then I worry about coming off as too quiet or boring so I say the stupidest things ever or my timing is off and quite often my teasing jokes come off as mean and insensitive. I hate the guy I become. Not only am I annoyed that it’s not me but I become a bit of an asshole. This is one of my biggest deterrents from dating. I’m 31 now. I thought I’d eventually grow out of it but it seems there’s no end in sight. I just want to find a girl who’s attractive and available that I’m comfortable around. Who knew it would be this hard.

Anyway, as sad as I am that my crush is seeing someone, I’m glad. I really like her and I want her to get to know the real me, a feat only possible if dating her is completely off the table, apparently.  Oh well, maybe it’s not meant to be. I dislike dating anyway. I just want a wife. Or a long term girlfriend. I want a partner in this battle we call life. I want a female best friend. I want someone to go to movies with and to sing with. And to sing to. I want someone who laughs at inappropriate times and who’ll cry with me during good movies. I want someone I can spoil and worship and will do the same for me. I know I’m super picky and far from a great catch but I’m not going to settle when it comes to my dreams and career so why would I settle on my one true love and eternal companion? I’m a hopeless romantic and proud of it. 

P.S. Love this meme. Except I would change playing "video games" to playing "guitar". :)

Film Critique: "Thanks for Sharing"

Although the trailer for this film looked so good that I ended up buying it on bluray before having watched it, I really didn’t expect it be as good as it was.

Thanks for Sharing

As this is my first (of many) film critiques, I should mention the spoiler alert. Please do not continue reading if you have not seen the film and would not like for it to be spoiled. This is not an ad style critique designed to get you to see or not to see the movie but just a discussion of my thoughts and experience with it.

Now, on to Thanks For Sharing. The all star cast was a big motivator for me to want to see it. Mark Ruffalo, Gwyneth Paltrow, Tim Robbins, Joely Richardson, and Patrick Fugit never disappoint but also Josh Gad. He’s becoming one of my favorites. He does such a great job with the roles he’s played, big or small; 21, Jobs, Love and Other Drugs, and even The Rocker. I’m really liking this guy. Even Pink kind of nailed it in this film. I don’t mean to sound so surprised, it’s just that pop music stars tend to be hit and miss when they crossover to film. Justin Timberlake is the best example of someone whose music I can’t really stand but has turned into an amazing actor. I’m to the point that I’m genuinely excited to see his name on cast lists but sadly most of these pop stars end up crap actors. Pink, I’m happy to report, definitely nailed it. Her part in this film was natural, believable, likeable, and generally impressive.

Those of you who my taste in movies, will know the most important element that can make or break a film for me is themes. I love all aspects of filmmaking: writing, directing, casting, actors performances, character development, etc. But the top element I think should be considered is the theme. Thanks for Sharing had most of my favorite themes: sacrifice, father/son relationships, love, determination, and change. I wasn’t sure how much of the film I would connect to since it’s based on characters in addiction recovery. I used to think I had an addictive personality so I avoided alcohol, drugs, tattoos, etc. but speaking to friends who have real, life altering addictions, I realize my experience is nothing like theirs. I especially have never attended a recovery meeting like the characters in this film.

One of my favorite parts of this movie were little moments like on Adam and Phoebe’s first date when they established signs for when they were joking and when they were telling the truth. Watching their immediate connection inspired hope that I could have that someday, however improbable. It’s nice to honestly feel that hope, if only for a second. I think with the world’s current state of skepticism, filmmakers have to go so above and beyond to get the audience to feel that genuine hope. I don’t envy that, despite my hope and effort to become a filmmaker; or to become a professional singer/songwriter, for that matter. I also liked all the moments of Neil running around. Not because it’s fun to watch overweight people run but because I think it shows an interesting side of his character. Like the first time sees Dede outside of the meetings, the fact that he would run as far as he does, despite the shape he’s in, shows his commitment to helping others. This is immediately followed by their conversation about a supreme being and how it doesn’t have to be a beard guy in the sky. It could be as simple as serving others, anything that’s bigger than ourselves. Neil’s character growth was one of the most interesting story arcs in this movie.

Even though the writing (especially the dialogue), the performances, the set design, the themes, the story, the cinematography, etc. were all excellent, I do have to admit that the one element of this movie that took it from an ‘good, but only slightly above average’ movie was the soundtrack. The music in this film really impressed me. All the songs were so simplistic, yet perfect in their role in this film. As someone like Hans Zimmer would attest to, the best soundtracks are ones that are so subtle and perfectly written for their films are ones you don’t really conscious think about (unless you are a musician or someone that obsessed). Music role in film is to create mood and texture and to really support the story. If you “notice” the music without the filmmakers intent, generally that means it’s the wrong music for what you are watching. Thanks for Sharing’s soundtrack was so perfect. I found myself feeling things I didn’t expect to, especially to the subject matter in those scenes. I’ve never felt what it is like to attractive a woman as beautiful as Gwyneth Paltrow then to lose her. I don’t know what it’s like to be clear of an addiction for other 5 years then to succumb to the temptation. I don’t know what it’s like to go to school for 8+ years for my career then to lose it all in a most of no control. I don’t know what it’s like to have a dad who’s completely lost faith in me as a human, nor to be that dad. But because the soundtrack was so perfect, my experience watching this movie makes me feel like I could at least describe these things with some level of relatable clarity. Well done Christopher Lennertz. You were a welcome surprise. I also want to say Bravo to the rest of the cast and crew on this film. It was extremely well made and I highly recommend it.