Loss changes who we are

I’ve been thinking a lot about loss lately. It’s been on my mind at some level for years but it seems to be the prevalent theme of my 2014. Loss, in my opinion, is the hardest thing we have to deal with throughout our lives. Whether that’s loss of a loved one due to death or a breakup or life circumstances, or loss of a beloved pet, or a job, or a friend, or even faith and hope. There are many degrees of loss and it’s measured by amount of pain, physical and emotional, as well as intensity and how much affect it has on your life, short or long term. The unfair truth that has taken me many years to fully understand and accept is that loss changes you. The level of affect is dependent on what is lost, how it’s lost, and how integrated what you lost is in the life you’ve built. The shaking of your life’s foundation can leave anything from mild displacement to broken windows to structural damage all the way up to complete demolition.

My earliest memory of loss was when I was around 4 or 5 years old on a trip with my family. My favorite toy was this tiny motorcycle, anatomically somewhere between the small plastic size G.I. Joe (not the weird Barbie size) and Lego. Now, before write this loss off as petty or juvenile, do me a favor. Close your eyes and take a moment to think back to ages 4-10 and try to remember your absolute favorite toy in the whole world. Try to remember not only how much it meant to you but also why it meant that much. Well, for me that was a cheap toy motorcycle. I took that thing everywhere with me, which proved its fate, unfortunately.  Along this long drive, we stopped at a rest stop for a bathroom break and to stretch our legs, as you do. Somewhere between removing my winter coat in the stall and getting back in the Suburban, this little friend of mine had vacated my pocket and I had the misfortune of not discovery its absence until we were at least 10+ miles down the road. I pleaded with my whole soul for my dad turn the truck around and rescue my fallen comrade but it’s $2 value versus the price of gas and time warranted a unfavorable verdict. I had nothing left but to collapse to the floor in tears and suffer.

The long term affect of this seemingly insignificant loss was that I kept excellent track and care of every important toy I ever owned. I practically became OCD about it. Everything must have its place and if it’s not in the place I had designated it to go, it’s either be stolen or my memory has failed me. The latter has yet to happen. I look at my life now and realize it’s built on the strongest and most effective safe guards I could find. Of course, it’s not all because of that motorcycle. I’ve been cheated on. I’ve been dumped more times that I can even remember. I’ve been used. I’ve used others. I’ve had loved ones die or disappear. I’ve been betrayed. I’ve been abandoned. I’ve been mocked and humiliated. I’ve been disheartened. I’ve lost love. I’ve lost faith. I’ve lost the ability to trust. And I’ve lost hope. I don’t list these to complain or invoke pity.  I fully understand the majority of the world has had it much harder than me. This is just why I am who I am. I no longer date. I take excellent care of all my most important “stuff”; my guitars, my movie collection, my electronic devices and computers, my car, my new bed, etc. Everything in my world has a place; a home. I am tired of being hurt so I’ve removed myself from the line of fire and I’ve turned off the stove.

All the platitudes we hand out like gum when someone we care about experiences loss, “It’ll be ok”, “You’ll get better”, “Give it time”, etc. are nothing more than words. Loss changes us, changes who we are as people. What we as a society are generally too afraid to say is “I’m sorry. Yes, you’ll never be the same. You will have to rebuild your life, possibly from scratch. This rebuild will not come easy or quick.” and most importantly, “I’m here and I’m not going anyway. How can I help?”

Realism in King

Realism, I have recently discovered, is the only path to true happiness. Now before all you optimists and pessimists get all up in arms ready to tear down that statement, hear me out.  I know realism can be a cruel mistress and a hard pill to swallow but any kind of happy not based in reality is not true happiness. That’s all I’m saying.

I’ve recently had some overwhelming life experiences wherein I completely lost all hope. My entire life I’d been an optimist, always believing in dreams and looking at the positive in any situation, no matter how bad. Not really a bad way to live and maybe even necessary at times, but my life was completely inter-weaved with it so when I lost all hope, my life's foundation was left with so many holes that it almost all came crashing down. Not to get too personal but I’d never had such vivid suicidal thoughts and plans to exit this shitty roller coaster we call life. 2014 has, hands down, been the hardest year of my life and it’s only fucking April. Then again, maybe I should be grateful. That kind of pain and belief system shattering has lead me to a deeper understanding of what happiness really is. It seems only through the trials of life can we find the strength to experience happiness in its puristic form.

My best friend, now of almost 20 years, was always a pessimist growing up and me, the most naive of all optimists. At times we’ve deluded ourselves into thinking he and I were a pessimistic realist and an optimistic realist, respectively, but really those were just times we had healthy run ins with reality and tried to assess our reactions. After a while, it became nothing more than a punch line. Here’s one of our favorite memes:

A few months back I read this quote by William Ward that has become more or less my new mantra.

I still had lingering remnants of hope clouding my perspective though. Not that hope is a bad thing but when you use it to shade truths about your life, it can be disastrous. Like if you really believe that other races are inferior, just hoping you don’t come off that way to people is not going to make you not a racist. Only in facing and excepting harsh truths, especially about ourselves, can we start to change them.

Embracing the concept that truth can evolve is both super hard to accept as well as tremendously beautiful. For example, the fact that I am 100 pounds overweight is an undeniable truth but whether or not that stays a truth my whole life or not though is up to me. Is changing truth easy or quick? Hell no. It would take me almost a full year of very hard work and self discipline to change this truth but how is awesome is it that we as humans have this power.

Realism truly is the only way to feel real happiness. A dear friend of mine’s marriage is on the verge of collapse and he is frantically trying to save it because he truly loves her with his whole mind and soul but sadly the marriage was built on lies, manipulations, and mistrust. For years. This is one of the harshest truths I’ve ever seen and yes, I’m definitely a bit of an asshole to tell him that but what’s the alternative? Does is really show my loyalty and support to help him believe in the fantasy that she’ll stay and everything will work out? Nope. That’s just setting him up for a bigger fall when it’s officially called off. The only way their relationship could survive is for both of them to embrace the reality that it’s broken. It would take years of intense hard work and therapy to mend what’s left. Do I want them to stay together? Of course. I love each of them deeply and hate to see them go through such hard times but my hope won’t change their reality. Only they can do that and it won’t be easy and maybe not even worth it.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I understand fully the value of optimistic and pessimistic perspectives. I just know that in the end pessimists miss out on most of life’s wonderful experiences and optimists are constantly disappointed. That being said, these perspectives can be helpful and maybe even necessary depending on the stage of life you are in. I am a musician and I’m desperately trying to make a career in one of the hardest industries to make a career in. But when I first started and the many years before I could sing and play at a professional level, my optimism is what made me believe I could make it and kept me going. If I was a true realist at any point before the last couple years, I’d have likely giving up and pursued an easier or more “realistic” life path. Now, however, I have reached a point that it’s not my optimism that tells me I have talent as a singer songwriter, it’s my realism. My realism also tells me that I’m far from the most talented in this industry and that even some of the best never get a foothold and die trying. Because I’m no longer an optimist I don’t blindly believe I will for sure make it nor do I pessimistically believe I won’t. The reality is that I could make it and though I most likely won’t, music is too important to me to stop trying and my realism forces me to work even harder and find more opportunities that I would have without it because I know that the odds are stacked against me. Also, pessimism can protect you from being hurt too often or too deeply as is the case of this simple but honest and hopeful comic strip:

After you are hurt, it's pessimism that keeps you from giving your heart away so freely before you're ready. As long as you don't hold that perspective forever, just long enough to heal before it could get broken again. In all cases though, it’s important to at least eventually embrace reality and truth because without it all joy and happiness will be fleeting.

In my trek to embrace truth I’ve found that my tastes in life’s amenities is centered around realism as well. My favorite comedians are Louis CK, Christopher Titus, and George Carlin. The only type of music I can really respect is quite raw like with my latest obsession, Lake Street Dive. Even the movies and TV shows I gravitate toward these days are chuck for a realistic characters, like Silver Linings Playbook, Garden State, Good Will Hunting or ones with anti-heroes as the protagonist like Dexter, Breaking Bad, or Sons of Anarchy and I know I’m not alone is this because those shows all extremely popular.

I wouldn’t say I’m happy though, if you are wondering. My truths are mostly in the harsh category. I’m just glad to know that when I do feel happiness in the not too distant future, it will be real and lasting. I encourage you all to self assess your reality as I have done and come out all the better for it. Good luck everyone. Here’s one last fun poke of fun:

New Song - "Time to Go"

So I’ve been thinking a lot about moving lately. Out of state. Like a complete start over. I love Utah, Salt Lake City, especially and there’s nothing wrong with living here. I adore the mountains and the four seasons and almost everyone I know and love lives here but I feel like I’m in a rut that no minor change will lift me out of. My songwriting has been sparse. I’ve almost completely stopped dating or going out much at all. My motivation in all things is starting to lessen. I have some great friends here but I feel like all the friends I’d miss will continue to be my friends whether I live here or not. I just feel like it’s time to go.

Years ago I narrowed down the places I’d move to 5 cities, San Diego, Seattle, Denver, Austin, and New York City. San Diego because I lived there years ago and still have a few friends down there plus it’s only a couple hours from L.A. (but WAY better for living conditions). Seattle because it’s still a great music town and has been since the early 90’s plus I don’t mind rain and everything is so green and beautiful. Denver because it’s close to here and close to family plus the music scene there is starting to thrive. Austin is the live music capitol of the world and I’ve love to see what it could do for my music there. New York for the same reasons as San Diego but I’d like it more. I’ve always felt like more of an East Coast person. Interestingly enough though, Nashville has caught my eye in a very serious way recently. I used to think it was just for country music but have learned a lot about it over this past year. It’s just a music town. THE music town. It’s definitely pulling out in lead for my choice if I decide to move.

Anyway, all these thoughts and many others have inspired this new song. It’s called “Time to Go”. I’m very happy with the guitar hooks and chord structure and I love how the lyrics are a lot more conversational and less poem style.

Here are the lyrics:

TIME TO GO

Hey, how do you feel about change, girl?

‘Cause I feel lost and I need to get away

So, what you gonna say, girl?

Do you feel like you could just pick up and leave this place?

As I take one last look around

The only thing I can't live without, is you

You  know that I can’t stay

So I’m leaving here today, girl

Are you in or out, get past that doubt

And join me on my way

Hey, what you want to be, girl?

‘Cause you can be anything you want to be, with me

So, where you want to go, girl?

I say, Hey, let’s just get up and leave

As I take one last look around

The only thing I can't live without, is you

You  know that I can’t stay

So I’m leaving here today, girl

Are you in or out, get past that doubt

And join me on my way

I Got No Game!

There’s this girl I’ve been crushing on a bit, or maybe “re-crushing” since we dated years ago, but anyway. I just found out she’s recently started seeing someone and sadly I’m rather happy about that. I should explain.

I am not good at talking to women. I know that’s one of the lamest clichés ever but it’s true. I’m 31 now and I’m much better than 10 years ago but still…I’m not sure if that makes it better or worse. It just comes down to the fact that if there’s any chance she and I could end up together, I become the biggest goober. This is contrasted with how I talk to women I have 0% chance with, like if they are married or have already turned me down/friendzoned me. There’s this girl at work who’s gorgeous and completely my type but she’s happily married with two kids. She’s kind of my “work best friend”, like a “work wife” but that’s not our dynamic. I’m convinced the only reason she and I are close is because she’s unavailable and there’s no realistic scenario that we would ever end up together. Which is a good thing. If she were available I would miss out on our friendship.

The same is true with one of my best friend’s wife, Crissy. I’ve been working with her on songs for a live video session we’re doing, so I’ve seen her a bunch lately. Even though we’ve been friends a long time, since even before they were married, in fact I introduced them, it was weird to see the guy I become around her. After the 3^rd or 4^th time in one sitting that I made her laugh so hard, she literally couldn’t breathe, it hit me. Why can’t I be that guy around available girls? She’s on a very short list of women who actually know me. Like really know me. I like that “me”. He’s fun and happy and fearless.

I was hung up on a girl for years that had no interest in me and I kept saying to myself “Well, if she really knew me, she’d like me”, which is probably true. That’s no one’s fault but my own, though. I have a very strong personality and she does as well but mine’s slightly more passive so she could manipulate and control me and the situation more. Which made it tough but I was only more passive because my inability to be myself around her. I think she’d be more attracted to the strong willed, deliberate side of me, that she’s never seen. I can’t even imagine how far off her description of me would be and she’s a psychology major about to graduate.

There’s this younger girl (like 21 or 22 years old) that I’ve been flirting a lot with lately and she’s made it obvious that if anything happened, it would definitely be casual. There’s no long term future for her and I. We’ve been chatting online and via text and it’s great. We joke a lot and she’s way fun but I ran into her unexpectedly the other day and for the whole 3 minutes our paths crossed I was a blubbering idiot. I kept trying to be interesting and charming and it came off as trying too hard and rather stupid.

Even girls whose friendzone I’m in can have that affect on me. Like my friend Naarah. She and I have been friends a long time and even though there may have been almost happenings here and there over the years, I’m really not her type and we want different things so we are friends only. We’ll have movie nights and periodically go to dinner alone but she’s super gorgeous and we’re both single so my mind functions under “never say never”. The only time I can be myself around her is when I constantly remind myself that it’s not going to happen.

OK, that’s way too many examples and I have dozens more from this past year alone. But I digress. I know everyone will have some advice and tips and I welcome them but it’s such a strange thing to me. It’s not really a lack a confidence, as most of my friends will attest. If anything, I’ve over confident about most thing in my life. And it’s not like my mind is preoccupied with any specific thoughts. In the moment, it’s like my mind just goes blank then I worry about coming off as too quiet or boring so I say the stupidest things ever or my timing is off and quite often my teasing jokes come off as mean and insensitive. I hate the guy I become. Not only am I annoyed that it’s not me but I become a bit of an asshole. This is one of my biggest deterrents from dating. I’m 31 now. I thought I’d eventually grow out of it but it seems there’s no end in sight. I just want to find a girl who’s attractive and available that I’m comfortable around. Who knew it would be this hard.

Anyway, as sad as I am that my crush is seeing someone, I’m glad. I really like her and I want her to get to know the real me, a feat only possible if dating her is completely off the table, apparently.  Oh well, maybe it’s not meant to be. I dislike dating anyway. I just want a wife. Or a long term girlfriend. I want a partner in this battle we call life. I want a female best friend. I want someone to go to movies with and to sing with. And to sing to. I want someone who laughs at inappropriate times and who’ll cry with me during good movies. I want someone I can spoil and worship and will do the same for me. I know I’m super picky and far from a great catch but I’m not going to settle when it comes to my dreams and career so why would I settle on my one true love and eternal companion? I’m a hopeless romantic and proud of it. 

P.S. Love this meme. Except I would change playing "video games" to playing "guitar". :)

Film Critique: "Thanks for Sharing"

Although the trailer for this film looked so good that I ended up buying it on bluray before having watched it, I really didn’t expect it be as good as it was.

Thanks for Sharing

As this is my first (of many) film critiques, I should mention the spoiler alert. Please do not continue reading if you have not seen the film and would not like for it to be spoiled. This is not an ad style critique designed to get you to see or not to see the movie but just a discussion of my thoughts and experience with it.

Now, on to Thanks For Sharing. The all star cast was a big motivator for me to want to see it. Mark Ruffalo, Gwyneth Paltrow, Tim Robbins, Joely Richardson, and Patrick Fugit never disappoint but also Josh Gad. He’s becoming one of my favorites. He does such a great job with the roles he’s played, big or small; 21, Jobs, Love and Other Drugs, and even The Rocker. I’m really liking this guy. Even Pink kind of nailed it in this film. I don’t mean to sound so surprised, it’s just that pop music stars tend to be hit and miss when they crossover to film. Justin Timberlake is the best example of someone whose music I can’t really stand but has turned into an amazing actor. I’m to the point that I’m genuinely excited to see his name on cast lists but sadly most of these pop stars end up crap actors. Pink, I’m happy to report, definitely nailed it. Her part in this film was natural, believable, likeable, and generally impressive.

Those of you who my taste in movies, will know the most important element that can make or break a film for me is themes. I love all aspects of filmmaking: writing, directing, casting, actors performances, character development, etc. But the top element I think should be considered is the theme. Thanks for Sharing had most of my favorite themes: sacrifice, father/son relationships, love, determination, and change. I wasn’t sure how much of the film I would connect to since it’s based on characters in addiction recovery. I used to think I had an addictive personality so I avoided alcohol, drugs, tattoos, etc. but speaking to friends who have real, life altering addictions, I realize my experience is nothing like theirs. I especially have never attended a recovery meeting like the characters in this film.

One of my favorite parts of this movie were little moments like on Adam and Phoebe’s first date when they established signs for when they were joking and when they were telling the truth. Watching their immediate connection inspired hope that I could have that someday, however improbable. It’s nice to honestly feel that hope, if only for a second. I think with the world’s current state of skepticism, filmmakers have to go so above and beyond to get the audience to feel that genuine hope. I don’t envy that, despite my hope and effort to become a filmmaker; or to become a professional singer/songwriter, for that matter. I also liked all the moments of Neil running around. Not because it’s fun to watch overweight people run but because I think it shows an interesting side of his character. Like the first time sees Dede outside of the meetings, the fact that he would run as far as he does, despite the shape he’s in, shows his commitment to helping others. This is immediately followed by their conversation about a supreme being and how it doesn’t have to be a beard guy in the sky. It could be as simple as serving others, anything that’s bigger than ourselves. Neil’s character growth was one of the most interesting story arcs in this movie.

Even though the writing (especially the dialogue), the performances, the set design, the themes, the story, the cinematography, etc. were all excellent, I do have to admit that the one element of this movie that took it from an ‘good, but only slightly above average’ movie was the soundtrack. The music in this film really impressed me. All the songs were so simplistic, yet perfect in their role in this film. As someone like Hans Zimmer would attest to, the best soundtracks are ones that are so subtle and perfectly written for their films are ones you don’t really conscious think about (unless you are a musician or someone that obsessed). Music role in film is to create mood and texture and to really support the story. If you “notice” the music without the filmmakers intent, generally that means it’s the wrong music for what you are watching. Thanks for Sharing’s soundtrack was so perfect. I found myself feeling things I didn’t expect to, especially to the subject matter in those scenes. I’ve never felt what it is like to attractive a woman as beautiful as Gwyneth Paltrow then to lose her. I don’t know what it’s like to be clear of an addiction for other 5 years then to succumb to the temptation. I don’t know what it’s like to go to school for 8+ years for my career then to lose it all in a most of no control. I don’t know what it’s like to have a dad who’s completely lost faith in me as a human, nor to be that dad. But because the soundtrack was so perfect, my experience watching this movie makes me feel like I could at least describe these things with some level of relatable clarity. Well done Christopher Lennertz. You were a welcome surprise. I also want to say Bravo to the rest of the cast and crew on this film. It was extremely well made and I highly recommend it.

Resolutions vs. Goals

This is the time of year where our minds start to reflect on the good and bad of the previous year which naturally leads to a list of things we’d like to change. Thus is the tradition of “resolutions”. I recently saw two things that preoccupied my mind with the concept of resolutions. The first was a picture on one of my favorite comedy facebook pages, No Hope forthe Human Race:

I started to realize it’s been years since I’ve listed any real resolutions for myself. Partly because they don’t work so it’s hard to believe in them. It’s like the Flu Shot. There are too many people who never get flu shots and almost never get sick and too many people who get flu shots every year but still get sick. I know there are mitigating factors like working in a social heavy industry or living with infection cesspools, I mean ‘children’ but really that’s my point. The concept of “flu shots keep you from getting the flu” has nowhere near enough conclusive data for me to believe in it, much like resolutions. I don’t think I’ve ever met a single person who has completed a resolution. That is not to say I’ve never met anyone who has changed their life for the better. It just rarely if ever comes from some sweeping declaration on New Years Day.

The second event was one of my best friends sent me his list of resolutions, all of which are totally worthwhile and valid, but a couple were a bit vague. That’s what got me started on the concept of goals versus resolutions. Though it’s been many years since I’ve even thought about resolutions, goals pretty much run my life and I couldn’t be happier about it. When I was a child, I always got annoyed at goals and the whole idea of goal setting. It was likely due to my goals being set by someone else; a parent, a teacher, etc. The first couple years after high school, I painfully embraced the idea of self discipline and realized that if I wanted something out of my reach, the only way to get it is to work for it, to work really hard for it. The last couple years I’ve set specific, obtainable goals with my music as well as my personal life and they’ve easily been the most successful years of my life.

It’s a simple change we can make in our lives but it will make all the difference. Trust me. For example, some of the goals I have for 2014 could be stated “Practice my music more” as a resolution but the goal would be written as “Practice guitar and/or singing 1 hour every day”. Or “Blog more” versus “Blog every Sunday”. “Lose weight” versus “Lose 100 lbs”. Now this one will have a whole subset of smaller goals that I’ve made to make losing 100 lbs possible. I recently found this site that has a list of healthy habits that will help you lose weight, my favorite of which is to take on each habit slowly and individually. You won’t lose weight quickly at first but you will lose a lot in the long run and the weight will stay off because your habits have changed. It also has many other health tips that you skinny people will find helpful. Click here for more information.

Anyway, my point is let us all set specific, obtainable goals this year rather than vague resolutions. It won’t make changing any easier, it just makes it more possible. Happy New Year everyone. Hope to see you soon.

Great evening and new song - "Her Chapter"

I had only written one song since last September! This may not seem that crazy but since writing is one of my few forms of release, I felt this disparity with my whole soul. I was used to writing 1-5 songs a month. After a great evening last Sunday, I posted my thoughts and they were received with such genuine encouragement, I kept the keyboard rapping and went on to finally break my bad streak. I’ve also been feeling a change or growth in my songwriting style which this new song completely substantiates. It’s not a huge change. Basically, it’s where I am style-wise but 1-2 steps toward folk. I’ve been completely inspired by the talented David Ramirez lately and excited to head in that direction. Anyway, I wanted to share this new song with you and give you its background. The new song is appropriately called “Her Chapter”. Enjoy.

The Facebook Post:

I had an interesting evening. I got to see my muse, who I haven't seen in over a year, in which time I had professed my mad love and was subsequently denied. Tonight it was nice to find that my year's worth of trying to get over her has been effective, moderately at least.

But the more interesting part was when I visited another ex who I haven't seen in almost 3 years. Her song, Favorite June, made it on the album so I was dropping a copy by for her. It was a short relationship but super exciting and I fell for her hard and quick. Each of the first few dates we had we stayed up extra late talking and kissing and whatnot, at the end of which, I would drive home to the sunrise. It was so beautiful and hopeful and exciting, just like our relationship, hence the line in Favorite June, "...on my drive, I see the sunrise, and it tells me 'everything's going to be all right'." Tonight, though, I had the pleasure of hitting the road as the sun went down. Just as beautiful, but this time it was peaceful and comforting. As I made the final jaunt through the neighborhood to her house, I was not only missing her but also deeply missing that time of my life. I've had closure on that short but memorable love but if I hadn't, I loved the theme of the sun as the end of her chapter in my life. I may never see her again but I'm so happy she was a part of my life, however brief. I then drove the 40 minutes home with my windows down, basking in the serenity I was granted tonight.

HER CHAPTER

It was sunrise when I found you

It felt like coming home

Now the sun is setting

I have to let you go

I’m so glad that my story

In part, is made of you

We never called it off

Just faded like a memory

When I’m wide awake

I pour over our journey

I’m so glad that my story

In part, is made of you

We thought we found the one

Turns out there are many

Sides to every untold story

So we dress our broken hearts

And wait for time to mend

‘Cause if it’s not okay, it must not be the end

I’m so glad that my story

In part, is made of you

I’m so glad that our story

Is worth a tell or two